Joke of the Day

[Jester]

Stud rooster

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
OK old fart, time for you to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come
on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has
done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the
corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking
over." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race
you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over
the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old
man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young
rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of
the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is only about
5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front
porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking
and running as hard as he can. The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM -
he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head and says," d**n.....third gay
rooster I bought this month."

[Jerry]

B B Q RULES

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces,
and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer
while he flips the meat .

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women

[Jester]

Nudist Colony

A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, ca me over to him and asked, "did you call for me?"

The man replied, "No, what do you mean?"

She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel eagerly
Pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.

"Did you call for me? " asked the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer.

"You must be new." answered the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked.

"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities."
"Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here."

[Jester]

TEXAS 3-KICK RULE

A big-city, California, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas.

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of the fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, “ I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I am going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do thing in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”

The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three time and then you kick me three time, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.” The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agrees to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “okay, you old coot! Now it’s my turn!”

The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give,----the duck is all yours”!
;D ;D ;D

[Jester]

Getting Fixed

Two dogs were sitting in a vet's office. The bigger of the dogs, gruffs, "Whatcha doing here?"

The little dog responds, "I'm getting 'fixed'. Whenever I see my mistress I get so horny I just jump on her leg and start pumping. It's very embarrassing."

Then The big dog says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. One morning my mistress had just got out of the shower, and was sitting on the side of the bed. She leaned down to pick up her clothes from the floor, and I couldn't resist it... I jumped up and starting humping her from behind!"

The little dog exclaimed, "Wow! So you're here to be fixed too?" "Hell no, I'm getting de-clawed." ;D ;D ;D

[Jester]

WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM??

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said'.

'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? '

The man seemed a bit ashamed. 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.

'It's rust.'

[Jester]

World Best Salesman

A young guy from Wisconsin moves to Florida and goes To a big
everything-under-one-roof department store Looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Wisconsin .'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close And see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many
customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says, 'One.'

The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 To 30 customers
a day.

How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing,
And he said down the coast, so I told him he Was going to need a boat,
so we went down to The boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the Automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'

The boss said 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook And you sold him a
BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons For his wife, and
I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you Should go fishing.'
__________________

[Butch]

Once upon a time there lived a king.

The king had a beautiful daughter,
The PRINCESS.

But there was a problem:

Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;

Metal,

Wood,

Stone,

Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,

'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth..

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.




But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.

The prince went away sadly .



The second prince brought diamonds.





He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.

But alas,
Once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.


The third prince approached. He told the princess,

'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .




She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.


And it did not melt!!!


The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.


And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.




Question: What was in the prince's pants?
(Scroll down for the answer)










M&M's of course.


They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking??

[Jester]

Potentially vs Realistically

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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is
the
difference between potentially and realistically?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your
mother
if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then
ask
your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million
dollars,
and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a
million
dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with
Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I
would!
We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you
kids
to a great University!
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with
Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my God! I
LOVE
Brad Pitt! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep
with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied.
'Do
you know how much a million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back
to his
dad. His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference
between
potentially and realistically?'
The boy replied, 'Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on
three
million dollars, but Realistically, we're living with two
hookers and
a homo.'

[Jester]

The Hanging Baskets
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There was this young lady who lived with her grandma. One day she came down stairs with a see through blouse on. Her grandma was shocked, she told her she could not leave the house like that. The grand daughter said ah grandma all they can see are my rose buds and off she went. Later on her and her date returned and there stands grandma with a see through blouse on. The girl was horrified. Grandma you can't wear that she cried. Grandma says, if you can show your rose buds ...I can show my hanging baskets !!!

[Jester]

Slightly deaf genie
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A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish~~ each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

[Jester]

The Gap

Four V-Twin Cruisers went on a riding trip to the gap. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Chilidog because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. LT was first to bunk with Chilidog and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, 'Man, what happened to you?' He said, Chilidog snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'

The next night it was Gizmo's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Chilidog shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.'

The third night was Strokers turn. Stroker was a big burly biker; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. 'Good morning,' he said. The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, 'Man, what happened?' He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went over and tucked Chilidog into bed, patted his butt and kissed him good night..........Chilidog sat up and watched me all night."

[Butch]

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!" The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?" The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,"CRAP ! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

[Butch]

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm

count as part of his physical exam.The doctor gave the man a
jar and said,'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's
office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on
the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well,
doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then
I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for
help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,then with her teeth out,
still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it
between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! You asked your neighbor?
The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[Jester]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.