Joke of the Day

[Jerry]

COURTS

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

[Butch]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
' A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW., TAKIN MY TEETH WITH HER.'

[Butch]

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"



"Yes. What can I do for you?"



"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor VERN HALL....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets

it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."



"Thank you very much for the call, sir."



The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on VERN's house. They searched the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes,

they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.



They sneer at VERN and leave.



Shortly, the phone rings at VERN's house.

"Hey, VERN! This here's JESTER....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"


"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"



"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).

[Jerry]

Blonde Moments!

A girl came skipping home from school one day.

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other
kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5,

6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl
said.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids
could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes,
it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy,"
she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the
other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank
top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

[turc]

>Blind man in a biker bar . . .
>
>
>
>
>
>A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his
>way
> to a bar stool and orders a beer.
>
>After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna
>hear
>a blonde joke?'
>
>The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice,
>the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is
>only
> fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:
>
>1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
>2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
>3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
>4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional
>weightlifter.
>5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
>Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
>
>The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
>'No . . . Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[turc]

A hillbilly's wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed
With another woman.

With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, she
Dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back
Of the barn.

She put his tally-whacker in a vice and then secured it tightly and
Removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

The banged up hillbilly was terrified, and hollered, "Stop! Stop!
You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty dang saw, are you?"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her
Husband's' hand and said, "Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire, and go to
Town for a cold beer. You do whatever you want."

[Jerry]

You know you're a biker if...
-Your wife has ever asked you to move the bike so she could see the TV better.
- You have ever had to borrow a helmet for your date.
- Your best friends are named after reptiles.
- You own more black T-shirts then underwear.
- Taking your wife on a cruise means a putt down the interstate.
- Sturgis is your dream vacation.
- You ever quit a job to go to Sturgis.
- You only took the job to pay for your trip to Sturgis.
- Your only three piece suit is a leather jacket, leather vest and chaps.
- Your ol' lady can only eat a hot dog if it's suspended from a string above your bike.
- You buy your 3-year old niece a Harley Davidson t-shirt.
- You can identify bugs by taste.
- You think BLACK & ORANGE would make nice house colors.
- You think GOD invented winter just as a good time to get your bike painted.
- People know you’re a biker even when you don't want them to.
- People have nearly died of starvation looking at all of your bike/run pictures.
- Over half the pictures you take have your bike in it.
- You don't go a day without wearing something that says "Harley Davidson".
- The weather is too bad for riding and you start your bike and sit on it in the garage.
- You see no use in going to a bar without bikes in front.
- You have a refrigerator in the garage just for beer.
- You pile boxes and laundry on your car, but your bike must have 6 feet or clearance in the garage.
- When you plan a vacation you set up time to visit the bike shops first.
- You have all the tools to work on every bike ever made, but not any to work on your ol'ladys car.
- You refer to your bike as if it had a legal first name
- You have a heater in your garage so you can work on your bike(s) when it's cold.
- Your Christmas list has no words, just part numbers.
- Every magazine you subscribe to has the word "Biker" on it somewhere.
- Every time you spend money, you think about what you could have bought for your bike.
- You think 'Helmet Hair' is a fashion statement.
- Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
- You fainted when you met Willie G.
- Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
- You've spent more on your motorcycle than your Education
- You have at least one ashtray which is actually a motorcycle part.
- When she says "It's the bike or me!!" you have to think about it really hard.
- You spend more time polishing your bike than caressing your woman
- You have more locks on your bike than you do your house.

- You can think of at least ten things we forgot on this page.

[Jester]

The chicken, horse, and the Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he
had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wise ! r when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"

[Jester]

Farmer Jones buys 20 pigs at auction, only to learn that they are all female. So he asks Farmer Brown down the street if he can take his pigs over to his place to mate with his male pigs.

Brown agrees, so Jones loads the pigs into his truck and takes them to Brown's. That evening, when Jones picks them up, he asks how can he tell if his pigs are pregnant. Brown says that if the pigs are grazing the following morning - something pigs never do - they are pregnant.

The next morning the pigs aren't grazing, so Jones takes them back to Brown's. When the pigs again fail to graze for the next three days, he repeats the procedure.

The following morning, a discouraged Jones tells his wife: "Honey, I don't have the heart to go look. Please tell me what the pigs are doing."

She looks out the window and says: "Weeeelllll, they aren't grazing. But most of them are in the truck and one is honking the horn."
__________________

[Jester]

chilidog said:

psssssssst! Hey Jester, dont look now but you posted the same joke twice!
I'll bring some of my mom's meds for you to the next breakfast meet. It'll clear the memory problem up in a flash.

Dan

You must be delusional, I only see one

Thank god we have a delete post button

[Jester]

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go either!

Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Again, no go!

Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives." Still not good!

How about "Minds and Behinds." Unacceptable again.

So they tried, "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." Still no go.
Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks", "Loons and Moons". None worked.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with the title they thought might be acceptable to the council: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends." APPROVED

[Jester]

IRISH Joke

A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ear to make him come."

[Jester]

It's Not For Him, Stupid

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

[Jester]

Broke Down Biker

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would w alk you home but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[Jester]

4 old nuns

four old nuns die in the same car accident and stand before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks "before you enter heaven, do you have any sins at all that need confessing?"

Sister Helen, the first nun in line confesses "well, you know that new good looking young Father Tom at the rectory? I seen his thingy".

"That's O.K. says St. Peter, just go over to that big urn of holy water over there and wash you eyes out then you can go into heaven".

Then the second sister in line, sister Agatha confesses "well, about Father Tom, I touched his thingy".

"That's O.K." says St. Peter. "Just go over to that big urn of holy water over there and wash your hands and then you can go into heaven".

All of a sudden there is a big commotion in the line to heaven and sister Sue Ellen (the fourth nun) pushes her way to the front of the line.

"What's going on" demands St. Peter.

"Hey" cries sister Sue Ellen. "If I gotta gargle with that nuts I'm d**n sure gonna do it before sister Mary has to wash her ass in it"!