Joke of the Day

[Jester]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied,

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking." ;D ;D ;D

[Jester]

What did Brittany Spears right leg say to her left leg???
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Nothing, they've never met

[Jester]

A penguin is riding along on his motorcycle, when it suddenly breaks down. Luckily, he's near a mechanic, so he pushes the bike to the shop. The mechanic tells the penguin that it will be a few hours before he can fully diagnose the problem. The penguin agrees and goes to walk around town for a bit.

He checks out some shops, sees a few attractions, has some ice cream, and finally walks back to the shop to check on his bike. The mechanic greets him at the counter and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin quickly wipes his face and says, "No, no, it's just a little ice cream."

[Jester]

Happy Holidays


www.elfyourself.com/?id=9525968732

[Jester]

A blonde, brunette and red-head are all sitting in an OB's office. The brunette and red-head are discussing a book they had both read. The premise of the book related the childs gender vs position of conception. The brunette said since her husband prefered missionary position according to the book they had conceived a boy. The red-head speaking next said that since she was dominent in her relationship and mostly made her husband lie on his back they had conceived a girl. By this time the blonde is sobbing very loudly. It took the brunette and red-head quite a few minutes to calm her. Through the sobs at the end the blonde blurted out, "OMG I'm having puppies"

[Jester]

One day, while walking to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the grass.

This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to the Manager.

"Do you know there are six old ladies lying naked on your front lawn?"

"Yes," he said. "They're retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale."

[Jester]

Head and Shoulders

A blonde and a burnett are catching up ofter having not seen each other for a while, the burnett says to the blonde, "I'm married to Kenny now."
The blonde replies, "Really, I used to date him. Isn't he the one with the really bad dandruf?"
"Yeah," answered the burnett, "but I fixed that, I gave him head and shoulders."
The blonde looked really confused and after a few moments asked, "How do you give Shoulders?"

[Jester]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said,'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
f licked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what
do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.' ;D

[Jester]

Cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than
the posted speed limit.
So he asks the biker his name."Fred," he
replies. "Fred what?" the asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he
might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket
The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells
him that he used to have a
last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his
hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay
with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The
kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard
and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a
doctor. I went through c ollege, medical, school, internship, residency, and finally got my
degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD."
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way
through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS."
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my
assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with
VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then
I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD."
"Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the
VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD."
"Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now Iam just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing

[Jester]

Here is one from Jerry
Happily Married Biker

Bad ass Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Bad ass Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"

[Jester]

A man walks in a dentist's office.
He says, "I need help. I think I'm a moth."
The dentist says, "You need a d**n psychiatrist. I'm a dentist!"
The man says, "I know."
The dentist says, "Well why the hell did you come in here?"
The man says, "The light was on."

Hey, I need some help here! You guys have to have some jokes out there, get them posted.

[Jester]

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.

"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.

"No" he replies, "I'm just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused. "He's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room." ;D ;D ;D

[Jerry]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started!

Shut up. You know it's funny....

[Jester]

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, '"What is that?'"

'"They're smart pills," said the other boy. "Eat them and they'll make you smarter."

So he ate them and said, "These taste like sh*t."

"See," said the other boy, "you're getting smarter already." ;D ;D ;D

[Jester]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the home owner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"

"No. Get lost, it's half-past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.

Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the nice thing to help him."

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing set."