Joke of the Day

[Butch]

A man is driving down the street and notices a car stuck in a the ditch.

He doesn't usually help people so he drives on by.

But then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help.

As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, “You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch.”

“But I'm not pregnant,” she says.

“Well, you're not out of the ditch yet,” he says.

[Butch]

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My thingy is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's thingy isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?" The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real not a very nice person, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything what was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy." So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, "How's your home life?" The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress. Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old pregnant dog." So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?" The guy replies, "No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."

[Jerry]

Doggie Diary Entry:

· 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

· 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

· 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

· 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

· 12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

· 1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

· 3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

· 5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

· 7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

· 8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

· 11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Cat Diary Entry:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously stupid.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now . . .

[Jester]

Rogaine and Viagra

What do you get when you mix Rogaine and Viagra?
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An afro

[Jester]

Councilman's Donkey

A Councilman entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Councilman was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and it won again.

The local paper headline read:-

"COUNCILMAN'S ASS OUT FRONT"

The Mayor was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Councilman not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:-

"MAYOR SCRATCHES COUNCILMAN'S ASS"

This was too much for the Mayor, so he ordered the Councilman to get rid of the donkey. The Councilman decided to give it to the Mayor's Secretary. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:-

"MAYOR'S SECRETARY HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN"

The Mayor fainted. He informed his Secretary that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:-

"MAYOR'S SECRETARY SELLS ASS FOR $10"

This was too much for the Mayor, so he ordered his Secretary to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read:-

"MAYOR' SECRETARY ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE"

The Mayor was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!!!!

[Jester]

Outsourcing

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

I got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck

[Jester]

Cocoa Nut

A woman goes to an ice cream parlor and asks for a chocolate ice cream cone. The clerk apologizes and says that they are out of chocolate and asks her if she'd like to choose a different flavor.
The customer says, "Sure, just give me chocolate, please."

The clerk again apologizes, and thinking that the woman didn't hear him, says, "I'm sorry, we don't have any chocolate left. Is there another flavor that I can get for you?"

The woman says, "Well I guess I'll have chocolate."

The clerk, extremely pissed now, tells the woman, "Spell VAN as in vanilla."

The woman spells out, "V-A-N."

"Now," says the clerk, "spell STRAW as in strawberry."

The woman spells out, "S-T-R-A-W."

"Okay," says the clerk, "Now spell f**k as in Chocolate."

The woman looks dumbfounded for a moment and proclaims, "Wait - there's no 'f**k' in 'chocolate!'"

And the Clerk replies, "That's what I've been trying to tell you!"

[Jester]

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
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Because the sound of zippers scares the sheep away.

[Jerry]

Troubleshooting Beer


SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear.
FAULT: It's water, somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: You're on your own.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air .

[Jester]

Mighty Mouse

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullnuts. I gotta go home and screw the cat."

[Jester]

Two fraternity brothers...

Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out.
The genie notices the poor condition of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of them.
After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, "I wish the ocean was made of beer."

Magically, the ocean turns to beer.

Infuriated, the other guy yells, "You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!"

[Jester]

Chillin' Biddies

One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.



The first old lady had a stroke
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The second old lady had a stroke
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The third old lady's arm was too short to reach

[Jester]

Senile... Like a FOX!

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he''''d been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn''''t reside here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton".

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn''''t reside here."

The man thanked him and again walked away .

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I''''ve told you already several times that Mrs.Clinton is not the President and doesn''''t reside here. Don''''t you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow.

[Jester]

Red Ring

A man goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem.'' The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around his thingy. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area.
''It's all cleared up!'' the man reports when he returns. ''But what was that medication you gave me?''

''Lipstick remover.''

[Jester]

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.


Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor who said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot. The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your thingy. So I'm going to refer you to my brother."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied. "Is your brother a plastic surgeon?""Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local symphony. He'll show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."